Random Post About Nothing In Particular

I don't know if it's the Mounjaro, the stresss, hormones, etc, but I have lost about 5 pounds since last Friday. I take this as a win. Lol. 

I am struggling very much with my mental health. Everything seems to be agitating me. Work is making me crazy. Financially, I'm on the struggle bus. I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated. And all sorts of negative emotions. But I'm trying very hard to get through it with some coping mechanisms and a therapist. 

Mounjaro & Other Updates

Physical Health Update:

Today is day one of my mounjaro journey. Assuming insurance keeps paying for it. My (new) doctor gave me a few sample injections. My new doctor is actually very nice and I think it will be a positive experience. Fingers crossed, lol. My weight has been pretty sustained for the past couple months, so hopefully this will give me the boost I need to get back to losing. I have not seen my nutritionist since April because she's so busy, and I don't get to see her for another month, so I feel a bit like I'm failing. She's very encouraging and helpful, and I need that. I met with a plastic surgeon about my breast reduction but it was a very bizarre interaction and it made me very uncomfortable. So, I'm on the hunt for another.

Diet wise: not so spectacular. I bought chips today. But I don't eat them often, so it's probably ok. I also had a craving for chocolate, so I had a Snickers. I'm not perfect, okay?

Mental Health Update:

I am a fucking disaster of a person. Lol. I have been on the struggle bus for a few days. I already feel like a failure at school and I haven't started yet. I have been trying to downsize my clothing addiction. It's weird that I have so many clothes since I hate the idea of buying 3XL shirts. But I have decided to try to sell a bunch of clothes that 1) are now too big, 2) I don't want anymore and 3) are too small so Stef, stop hoping...I feel like getting rid of so much stuff will help control my cluttered chaotic brain. I have also been doing some diamond dotz to distract and relax.

I do feel a bit stuck in therapy, but I see her Monday so I'm going to try to get it revved up a bit. Don't get me wrong, I love going in and venting about the previous two weeks, and I get along with her well...but I feel like I have some things I need to try to work on a little harder. Like my new found gambling addiction (scratch offs) and my addiction to shopping (which I use as a coping skill). 

New Feature! Financial Health Update:

So I was thinking that I should try to work on my financial health. I have already raised my credit score over 100 points, so that's pretty exciting. But it's not exactly where I want it to be. I also have a shit ton of medical debt. My credit card balance is a litttttttle high because I can't stop buying stuff. I want to get my savings up (it's been at the same amount for like 3 years) in case anything happens. I also have some big travel plans in my future that I would like to save for. I have a strong desire to see lots of things around the world. I also have a shit ton of student loan debt that hopefully I can pay off with my new career after school. My pay has dropped about $300/paycheck because they took away overtime. 

I think that might be it for now. If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to update. Even though no one reads this but me. lol

Holy Moly It's Been Awhile

Guess it's been awhile since I updated. 

Physical Health Updates:

• I am no longer following the diet plan set forth by the bariatric doctor. It was unsustainable and my PCP didn't think it was a good idea for me to eat so little. They were also very rude to me and told me that I wasn't doing enough by losing 6 lbs in the first month. I am, however, still having at least one protien shake per day. (Holy cow, they are expensive.)
• At my highest, I was 302 lbs. This makes me so depressed. But I am happy to say that I am down to 268 lbs! I am quite excited at the 30+ pound loss. It's a really good motivator to see progress. Yes, it took a couple years, but I had not been as dedicated as I am now.
• I bought an Instant Pot and intend to cook a lot more for myself so my meals are both healthy and delicious. I have a bunch of recipes to take to my nutritionist to "approve."
• My nutritionist is simply the best. She has given me so many tips and information that have been so helpful. I bought a Cirkul at her suggestion so I could trick myself into drinking water. Although, I drink water at work all day. I try for 48 oz...but sometimes I don't make it. 
• My diet soda addiction is definitely still intact. However, I do not drink nearly as much diet mountain dew as I used to. I try to keep it to one 16.9 oz bottle per day for now.
• I have made an appointment with a plastic surgeon (later this week actually) about getting a breast reduction. So we will see how that goes.

Mental Health Updates:

• There's really not much here. Lol. I'm still working on self-esteem and abandonment. 
• I have found that I feel a lot better about myself although it's not great yet.
• I have not been journaling, but mostly because it feels like homework.

Other Updates:

• I am going back to school this fall! I am majoring in Security & Risk Analysis at Penn State World Campus (online). AKA Cybersecurity. I am really excited to start down a path that will hopefully make me feel more successful as a human. 
• I am really trying to work on fixing my house to make it less chaotic. But I have a really hard time parting with things even if I don't need them. lol

I found this image on google by searching "transformation." I have no rights to it. I just liked it.

Weight Loss Journey: Day 1

Yesterday I saw a doctor who specializes in weight loss. I started today because I didn't get home until like 6pm last night and then I went to sleep because omg so tired. 

Anyway, my new diet plan is to increase protein and water intake, lessen soda (so hard) and snack on things that aren't chips. (That is my weakness, oh my gosh; that and brownies). I am to drink two protein shakes (breakfast & lunch), have a small healthy dinner, and then snack on things like cottage cheese, rolled lunch meat, and nuts. I had the first shake for breakfast, and it was actualy quite good. I, however, was hungry a few hours later and thus drank the second one. On my break I had some broccoli and about 2 oz of ham. Then for dinner I had a bird's eye steamer: Southwest Style. (I have one comment about this. It was much spicier than I was imagining, but if you're into that, it's good).

I'm very bad at formatting with pictures, so this will have to do. I actually feel quite full now. I am supposed to have at least 64oz of water daily, but I think I may have made it to 30? There's always tomorrow, right? I have not had a diet mountain dew in 7 days. It's hard, and very tempting to see other people drink it, but if I could give up energy drinks in September, then I can give up DMD in October. Another blow was the elimination of flavored creamers. It is peppermint mocha season...

 I did stop and take a short walk to look at autumn scenery. It is my absolute favorite. I don't even care that it was raining, I took photos anyway. Today's affirmation was: "I celebrate my wins, no matter how small they might seem." I actually have been doing this lately and it feels really good. It makes me feel like I'm actually getting somewhere. Hopefully I can indulge in some self-care this weekend, as well as improving my environment a little. I think once the space you live in is less chaotic, the less chaotic your brain will be. 

Intro: October 2022

This is going to be hard for me. But here it goes: honesty and probably some things that people didn't know about me.

One day I looked down at the scale and my heart sank. It had reached a point I never thought would happen to me. 302. I knew something had to change. I have high blood pressure, osteoarthritis in my spine, major depression, general anxiety disorder, very low self esteem and general self-hatred. 

That was about a year ago. And I've gone down a few pounds but I knew it wasn't enough. 

I have decided to do the following to help myself with my physical health:

• See a nutritionist and weight loss specific behavior specialist
• Try as much as I can to exercise, even if it's just a little bit each day
• Drink more water
• Fight my diet soda addiction
• Try to find positivity in things other than food-related activities

On the flip side of things is my mental health. Like I said, super depressed and anxious. I have decided to do daily journaling (might share some here, might not) and work on workbooks with my therapist. My next appointment (in a couple days) will be to update my treatment plan and I have decided on these three things as my goals:

1. Attachment/Abandonment issues and Codependency on professional support system
2. Absolute fear of being sexually assaulted.
3. Work on behaviors that will make me hate myself less (showering more often, self-care, journaling, etc)

I think the first one will be the hardest. I have decided that miserable is no way to live.